The Issue with Time

Today I witnessed a performance that left me unconsciously immersed into the moment. Spoken word poetry is slowly getting into the artistic scene in the city and is uncontrollable. Like, everyone can just write anything under the sun and recite it in front of an audience.

But this one is different.

The last spoken word poetry performance that left me digging in my skin for feels was in YouTube, by the famous Juan Miguel Severo who started it all here in the Philippines.

But this one is different. It was written by eleventh graders and they performed it well.

There was something in me that told me how I wish i just hadn’t witnessed it. Because the last time I felt emotional and reminiscing was months ago and I f*cking do not like how I felt, nor even REMEMBER how it feels like.

And as I went home, the words went home with me too. All echoing in my brain and my egoistic me was driving them all away. IT WAS A SUCKY FEELING. It was a sucky ride home.

I hate remembering about how TIME played its role when I was with you. How the performance reminded me that no matter how I pushed myself away from you, I STILL LOVE YOU. That Time was the constant who-to-blame even the real cause was just me.

or maybe it was also you.

I HATE REMEMBERING YOU. Period. Even you passing by my mind is a millisecond waste of my Time living in this planet. I hate remembering you but…

Why do you pass by my mind? Why was it you that I remembered when I watched the performance? Why not any other? WHY NOT EVEN MY FAMILY!

Why did I even hold back the salty liquid behind my eyes? Gawd, it was hard holding it back. IT HAS BEEN MONTHS WHEN I PLACED AN END TO CRYING AT 12MIDNIGHT. It has been months when I decided to be strong and picked up pieces of myself.

IT HAS BEEN F*CKING MONTHS AND I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK THERE ANYMORE!

Maybe Time has its own way to heal everyone’s bruises. Maybe mine’s not yet up.

And I hate it.

And maybe Time is teaching me to be patient. Because maybe God will send some healer to do the healing.

And before I end this entry…

How can I forget you? When everytime I check the Time, I look at the wristwatch you gave me.

YOU TELL ME THE TIME.

time

Let’s Go Back

Rays of moonlight over my face
Is it just me or the seconds are turning to days?
And then why can’t I get you off my mind
It’s been 5 months baby
I can’t leave things behind
And a lot of things going in my head
I can’t believe why I can’t put everything to an end

But why?
Why?
Why can’t we?

Just go back to the way that we used to be
Where I sleep on your shoulder and you’re staring at me
Where you hold my hand, driving in your car
And we talk about anything under the stars
And I miss everything about you

So now, I saw you going out with her
And my heart stopped beating and my vision’s a blur
All my friends tell me to get up and move on
But I hear your voice singing when our song comes along
All the possible places that you can be
I try my best avoiding but unfortunately
I still feel nostalgia
Why can’t we?

Just go back to the way that we used to be
Where I sleep on your bed, you put your arms around me
Where your late night calls are my lullabies
Sometimes we sleep on the phone, don’t get to say goodbye
And I miss everything about us

So Love, I’ll wait for you to come back

Back to the way that you used to be
Where I look into your eyes and all that matters is me
Where you hold my hand, driving in your car
And we talk about anything under the stars
Let’s go back to the way that we used to be
Where I sleep on your bed, you put your arms around me
Where your late night calls are my lullabies
Sometimes we sleep on the phone, don’t get to say goodbye
And I miss everything about us
And I miss everything about you

All the possible places that you can be
I hope you are not here listening to me

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It’s like, You Died.

rr

Every time I see pizza, or pasta, or beef. It’s like you’re around. It’s like I can hear your voice asking me out to eat our favorite food in our favorite restaurants or fast food chains. When I see SUVs like yours, it’s like I can see us inside it, talking and laughing while you drive with your other hand on the gear, while your fingers are locked in mine. I can see us parking somewhere just for us to kiss and forget time. It’s like you’re around. The sight of that tall building you once were assigned to work makes me so proud of what you have accomplished as the fancy hotel now works perfectly in the city. It’s like you’re within the vicinity no matter how far I am from the hotel. Makes me remember how you’d pull my waist close to your body and lock your lips on mine – Oh, those amazing elevator kisses. You left a legacy from the company; you left me memories too.

It’s like you’re still here. You’re still….here.

When I pass by our favorite cafes, I smile. Sometimes I don’t. It hurts a little seeing those coffee shops without us in it anymore. But never mind. It’s like I can still hear my phone ringing with you in the other line asking where I am because you’re gonna pick me up and we’re gonna have an amazing coffee date. Darn it.

When I hear about politics, I can feel your resistance to the topic. It’s your least favorite thing to talk about. It’s like you’re still in my brain, telling me that our political views don’t matter because you still love me no matter how contrasting our ideals are, then you held my hand tighter. It’s like the moment is still fresh. It’s like… you’re still here.

Roses. When I see roses, It’s like I can smell them too. It feels like there’s this huge wormhole sucking me back to the time when I got inside your car and there were these 3 lovely roses on the front seat smiling at me. One red, two whites. They were lovely. It was your advance Valentines gift and you were feeling awkward. You said it was your first time to give roses (and presents) for a girl on Valentines. I felt like a winner, winning over your exes basically because they hadn’t received anything from you on Valentines. I kept holding the roses close and smelled the three of them. It’s like… moment-perfect. It’s like you’re around. Roses. Flowers. You’re around when I see them. You’re within my system. You.

Then… with a large bang, you aren’t around anymore. Your voice, your touch, your smile, even your perfume… they are just like these invisible elements living in my memory… in my life… They are pop-ups reminding me you’re still here.
But in reality, you aren’t. I’m such a coward to tell you this upfront, I’d rather tell the world. That it’s you I still miss. It’s you that I miss the MOST. It’s you I still LOVE.
Every detail from waking up to going to bed – I can still feel you… Feel us.
But then when I catch myself staring at the wall, I remembered…
It’s like, you suddenly died.

I Tried

I tried holding back the salty liquid behind my eyes
I tried to smile when all I really wanted was to cry
I tried ignoring the hazy memory as I passed by
the place that I first felt I’m drowning in your eyes
How I wish I could turn back time when I said
This is just gonna be all right
Coz it’s not

And now that we are through you said
That maybe I’m not really in love with you
You broke my heart with all your accusations
Love, don’t you know they’re untrue

I tried to reach out, tried to talk to you that one time
But you said you can’t forgive me
Coz of all the things that I’ve done
I tried concealing the sorrow attacking just as I passed by
The place that we first shared a long drive, forgetting time
But now it’s just a mere memory
Oh Love, can you still be mine?
I guess not

And now that we are through you said
That maybe I’m not really in love with you
You broke my heart with all your accusations
Love, don’t you know they’re untrue
I miss all of you and all that we had
I tried letting go, just so you know
I still love you so

I can’t do anything about this but let time pass us by
Maybe we’ll see each other soon when I’m no longer chaos to your mind
But I can still remember the place
that we first shared this kiss and we’re forgetting time
How I wish this isn’t just a memory
Oh Love, you are no longer mine

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the best time to scream thoughts out at night

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